im drinking this country out of the recession.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
