i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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