Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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