probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
