Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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