You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
