guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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