saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
