If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
