Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I will be naked everywhere
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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