I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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