I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize