is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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