Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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