I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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