Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Panties = found
Randomize
