life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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