Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
