Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
