my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
