Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
