Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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