My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he thought i was a dude.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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