I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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