FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
