i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
