I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I could make wine with my vomit
This house was built for laser tag.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
