she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize