What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
