I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize