She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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