New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I need to calm my uterus...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
