you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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