Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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