does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sober January is a disaster.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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