We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
