i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize