You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
