Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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