i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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