She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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