What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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