At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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