So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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