god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
