never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We left an ass print on the piano.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
