Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
