Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
