Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
