My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
