Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Randomize
