I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
