why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
